Archive | December 2005

10 Rules Of Indian Film Making

  1. Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine – see rule 2 below).
  2. If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
  3. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
  4. Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.
  5. The hero’s sister will usually marry the hero’s best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
  6. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
  7. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never 
    a) miss 
    b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
  8. Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
  9. Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by 
    a) the brothers 
    b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax) 
    c) the family dog/cat.
  10. Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:
    a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero’s father – killedby the villain before the titles.
    b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector’s daughter is in love with the anti-hero.

    c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain’s sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.

An Indian Vs Pakistani

There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast. 

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. 

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg." 

The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. 

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it’s my turn to kick you." 

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"

A Sardar In Need Of A Winning Lotto Ticket

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.

"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple… "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: "SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".

Life’s unanswered questions

  1. How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
  2. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
  3. Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
  4. When something’s funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
  5. Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
  6. Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
  7. If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
  8. Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
  9. Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
  10. Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn’t be more fun to eat a big one?
  11. Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
  12. Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America ‘s problems?
  13. Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
  14. If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
  15. If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
  16. Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he’s a monkey?
  17. If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
  18. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  19. Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
  20. When a boy is named after his dad, he is called ‘Junior,’ but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?
  21. Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
  22. If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
  23. Can you cry under water?
  24. Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
  25. Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa’s suit is red and white?
  26. Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
  27. Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn’t "science" be spelled wrong?
  28. If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
  29. If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms?
  30. Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
  31. Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
  32. Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
  33. Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
  34. Do stuttering people stutter when they’re thinking to themselves?
  35. If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
  36. How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it’s illegal to keep them as a pet?
  37. What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
  38. Can someone give up lent for lent?
  39. Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
  40. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  41. Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
  42. Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
  43. What did cured ham actually have?
  44. If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
  45. If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
  46. If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
  47. Can a blind man see his future?
  48. Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
  49. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  50. Why do people say, "you’ve been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
  51. Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
  52. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  53. Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
  54. Can you blow a balloon up under water?
  55. Can crop circles be square?
  56. How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
  57. Why are there black lines on a basketball?
  58. Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
  59. Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
  60. If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
  61. If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
  62. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
  63. When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
  64. If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
  65. Why isn’t the word ‘gullible’ in the dictionary?
  66. When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
  67. Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
  68. Why are women and men’s shoe sizes different?
  69. What happens when you say "hi" to your friend on an airplane who’s name is Jack?
  70. If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
  71. Why is it illegal to put money in other people’s parking meters?
  72. Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
  73. Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
  74. Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
  75. Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals?

Poetic Resignation

Poetic Resignation

The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don’t know if I should stay.

To work, they have set their own way

Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don’t know if I should stay.

The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day

I don’t know if I should stay.

The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don’t know if I should stay!

The managers don’t know what they talk

The team doesn’t know where they walk
That’s a bad situation, what say?
I don’t know if I should stay.

I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can’t keep switching day by day

I don’t know if I should stay.

The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It’s all done, I won’t stay.  

Thanks & Regards
Employee   

Manager Response
 

Reply: What I want to say? (Manager)
The decision is good or decision is bad
Only God knows still I am glad
Keep moving in life that is what I can say

If you feel right go in the same way
May god give you the work, the challenge you want

Anyway there is always a second chance
Chances are there, grab them snatch them
That is what I can say

Keep on jumping companies to get more and more and more….
That will keep you always a fore (Even to me)

From my experience I can tell you

Being in software development is like taking hell out of you
You are frustrated since you have no quality work
And you were frustrated because you had quantity work

It’s always like that previous job was better than the current one
And expects the new job will be much better than this one
But what you get is a frustration level up to sun

Than you will again send the resignation like this one

This is all what I want to say

Have you completed all the formalities?
Filled the form and got it signed from department humanities (HR)
Once done you can take all your cash

But don’t refer others as they will follow you’re a*s.

At last I appreciate your contribution to the company
Even though there was not any….

You will keep a copy of this with you for FYI
Don’t feel shy

As I also got it some time back from my old manger say Hi….

That is all what I want to say.

Thanks & Regards
Manager

Fwd: Really Amazing……

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
 1. Prince Charles got married
 2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
 3. Australia lost the Ashes
 4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry and
Liverpool wins another European crown…. someone
please warn the Australian cricket side and the Pope!

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